I was about 12-years old and he had to be around 16. I was clowning around with him (as every little sister should be able to do with her big brother) as he was trying to focus when he suddenly turned around and punched me straight in the chest. I almost fell out. That was the day I realized he really was getting older and stronger than me and I better leave him alone unless I wanted to die. I wanted to cry, but I was in so much pain and shock in that moment that I just walked away in disbelief and probably tattle-tailed to my mom. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Arguments with my big brother continued, but thankfully he never laid hands on me again. Hence, I’m still alive. 🙂
While I’ve never experienced being physically punched in the chest again, I had the wind taken out of me in the same way all over again a few months back when I left the doctors office. I had not been physically punched, but the news I received caused deep emotional pain that made my heart sink. I left with a similar feeling of shock and disbelief. I had just left the GYN, the “ woman’s doctor. I went for an annual routine check up and left the office with news that I was getting older and if I wanted to have babies I should “highly” consider having my eggs frozen. She gave me a hug and I left. When I left, I thought, “WAIT….WHAT, What just happened!?” On my drive home endless thoughts raced through my mind. I ran home and googled what the doctor had suggested me to do. “How to freeze your eggs”.
Some of you may be asking, “What the heck are you talking about?” Let me explain. According to my doctor and information in the medical field, I am getting old to be a momma. If I don’t freeze my eggs, the potential of me having babies or healthy babies decreases. I have already heard so many times, “You better get started having babies Ev! The clock is ticking.” I never really let thoughts like that get to me but leaving that doctor’s office felt different. See, I’m a 38-year old single woman with no potentials at the moment. I have dreamed of having babies my whole life. I actually have dreamed of having twins. As a little girl, I would play with baby dolls and probably didn’t stop until I was about 14-years old. (Oh how times have changed). So, here I am, googling “freezing your eggs”. It’s $10,000 by the way! Are you serious, I thought?! I knew that wasn’t going to happen.
I had a choice: melt in disappointment, fear, and anger or give it to Jesus. I must be honest, I cried a deep, deep cry, probably for a couple of hours. I remember weeping and telling the Lord I would trust him. I had already been in a hard process for the last year of giving those desires to the Lord and I felt this was the last part of me truly surrendering that desire and life dream to Jesus. Carrying that burden and weight was way too much for me. God didn’t want me to carry it so I handed it over that night. I left it at His feet and have felt a relief from that deep pain ever since. I also took time to speak truth over my life and continue to daily.
God is in control.
Nothing is wrong with you or me.
God writes our story.
It’s STILL a story of love.
He will use our pain and make it into something beautiful.
He’s a good good Father.
His plans for us are good. PERIOD.
I will trust Him and have a blessed life either way. His plans are better than what I could of thought, dreamed of or imagined and it’s the same for you.
I’m constantly learning that walking with God is a process of addressing layers. Please don’t run when God triggers something that hurts and exposes idols, dreams, or hurt that you won’t let go of. Yes, it’s painful, it’s frustrating and scary, but bring it to Him, process it, and be vulnerable with Abba. It took me a long time to learn that I could be super honest with God about my brokeness, my hurt and pain. But I promise, when you do, He will heal and restore your heart.
This is a scripture I meditate on often:
“God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart.
Examine me through and through;
find out everything that may be hidden within me.
Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.
See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on,
and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways—
the path that brings me back to you.” Psalms 139:24
Have you ever been through a similar process? Have there been dreams, secrets, or past hurts that God has pointed His finger on to expose areas that needed to be surrendered or healed? What’s that been like for you?
Glory, Grub & Grind 